Oh, Harry Potter. Yes, you. The one with the magic wand. You might have taken down a giant evil snake, but would you survive two minutes pitted in a wand-off with Baldy McPlumber? Baldy doesn’t actually have a magic wand, but he’s got something pretty special up his sleeve. It’s called elbow grease. And he used it to defeat a three-headed camel hopped up on energy drinks and laughing gas. That’s right. You traipsed all over the wizarding world looking for weird pieces of whatchamacallits – horrorcrucifixes? It took you, what, a bazillion pages to find them all? Baldy could fish a hairball out of a 40-year old S-bend pipe crusted over with dried up slime using only a toothpick, a coat hanger, and a flashlight. In about two paragraphs. You might have vanquished that guy with the name no one wants to say, even if they could pronounce it, through lights and magic and being nice to your friends, but here’s what Baldy McPlumber did in the very first chapter of his twenty book series: he went forward in time to thank himself for saving the world before he even did it. That’s right. He can time travel. Game Over.
Baldy McPlumber: 10,000,000 Harry Potter: 0
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