Oh, the Lorax.
Despite all the self-righteous blather, you’re pretty darned cute. But I know another environmental crusader who
can out-annoy other people any day with his non-stop preaching: the Vegan.
Let’s see what would happen if I dropped the two of you into
the middle of a Tea Party convention with only a couple of homemade cardboard signs
between you and a crowd of two hundred enthusiastic conservatives who are
pretty sure Obama’s Muslim uncle invented “global warming”.
The Lorax: Your sign
says: “I Speak on Behalf of the
Trees”. The Tea Party people laugh in
your face because, let’s face it, your sign is made from a tree. They don’t need Fox News to explain that one
to them. You frown.
The Vegan: Your sign
says: “I Don’t Eat Anything That Screams
for Help When It Is Murdered in Cold Blood” and features a drawing of George W.
Bush biting the head off a chicken. One
of the Tea Partiers who bears a striking resemblance to Rush Limbaugh lunges
for your throat. But he’s slow. Sluggish. And, I hate to say it, fat. You
sidestep him and he falls on the ground in a diabetic coma.
The Lorax: You climb up on a stump and start telling
people in rhyme how sorry they will be when all the polar bears are dead
because they refuse to curb their carbon emissions. A lady from Missouri snorts and tells you if
the polar bears did something to get on God’s wrong side, like act all gay, it’s
their fault. Just ask Pat Robertson. You sigh.
The Vegan: You whip
out a slide projector and flash horrific, life-size scenes onto the wall of baby
cows being skinned alive as they hang upside down by one leg from a meat
hook. Several women in the crowd turn green
and start gagging. One of them pukes up
a still recognizable McRib sandwich.
This causes a stampede toward the parking lot. Three people are trampled to death. Cops show up in riot gear and start pepper
spraying anything that moves. In the middle of the fray, the Lorax gets tazed.
The Vegan: 3 take
away 1 (because no one can really tolerate a vegan) = 2
The Lorax: 0 plus 2 (because
you’re so earnestly adorable, and no one wants to see a furry little monster
get tazed) = 2
Poor, the Lorax. I
want you to know I captured the whole thing on video and will be posting it on
YouTube in protest. Tie Game.
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